Turning off my brain has been hard lately, but for the past couple days, I've been feeling better. The house is getting cleaner and my stress was going down. I felt pretty relaxed and happy. Today, that was all unraveled by a well meaning relative.
I've been thinking for awhile that I would go to a doctor and talk about getting an anti anxiety medication to help me manage my anxiety. The problem with going to the doctor is dealing with my anxiety including my white coat hypertension. I can take my blood pressure randomly throughout the day and it will be fine. 110/58 and considering that I used to regularly have a BP that was 145/88, this is awesome! But as soon as I start to call the doctor to set up an appointment, my heart starts to pound, my blood pressure goes up and I get cold (which is apparently a sign of stress.) The last time I went to the gynecologist, it was to get a lump looked at and I freaked myself out so much that I ended up with a BP of 190/110 and that is not healthy!
I was on the phone with my relative and she urged me to get an appointment, see my GP and get a prescription for something to help me. We're getting together in 2 weeks and she wants to see me relaxed for once. I got off of the phone with her and by the time I found his number, my heart was pounding. By the time I got it dialed and it was ringing, my BP had jumped and I had a bit of a headache coming. And all pointless because it was literally just turning 5 pm as I reached the office and was therefore rerouted to the "After Hours" message. All that stress for nothing.
Dealing with anxiety is tough. You have to fight to manage your anxiety to even get help for your anxiety. At some point you have to decide that the anxiety can't get the better of you and you just have to be strong. But honestly, how do you get to that point? I still freak out over any slight confrontation. Even a simple debate on a Facebook post or a joke that seems to fall flat can set me off. And a serious confrontation can have me in tears due to frustration and nerves.
I've had people recommend biofeedback therapy, acupuncture, medication, and even medical marijuana. But how do you figure out what is best for you? Well you have to talk to a doctor. And getting to the Doctor is a struggle for me and many other people out there. I have to find the inner strength. The part of me that is truly tired of living with this level of anxiety. I am kicking myself for not accepting the medication that my GP offered me years ago because I felt like I should be able to deal with this on my own. In all honesty, I was more afraid of side effects of the drugs than dealing with the anxiety on my own. Which is another sign of extreme anxiety.
Hopefully, I will find a way to face my fears and go see my doctor this week and get the help that I so desperately need. If I can just get past this first step and get the help that I need, I can relax and be happy!
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