I've taken the first baby step!

Well I managed to face my fear of making the actual appointment to get medication. Tomorrow, I have an appointment to talk to someone about finally dealing with my anxiety. I feel a little bit better already. I am frustrated with myself for putting off for so long.

I did have to explain to the doctor's office that I suffer from really bad white coat hypertension. I am hoping that I don't have to spend much time waiting in the waiting room tomorrow. And hopefully, they understand that I'm not usually like this with high blood pressure and all.

I know that taking an anti anxiety medication is not something that I want to do long term, but I am hoping that it's something that will give me a boost in the right direction so that eventually, I am able to learn to manage the anxiety and perhaps even wean myself off of them after not too long.

Either way, here's to a new stress free me! *fingers crossed*

Anxiety is a bitch!

Turning off my brain has been hard lately, but for the past couple days, I've been feeling better. The house is getting cleaner and my stress was going down. I felt pretty relaxed and happy. Today, that was all unraveled by a well meaning relative.

I've been thinking for awhile that I would go to a doctor and talk about getting an anti anxiety medication to help me manage my anxiety. The problem with going to the doctor is dealing with my anxiety including my white coat hypertension. I can take my blood pressure randomly throughout the day and it will be fine. 110/58 and considering that I used to regularly have a BP that was 145/88, this is awesome! But as soon as I start to call the doctor to set up an appointment, my heart starts to pound, my blood pressure goes up and I get cold (which is apparently a sign of stress.) The last time I went to the gynecologist, it was to get a lump looked at and I freaked myself out so much that I ended up with a BP of 190/110 and that is not healthy!

I was on the phone with my relative and she urged me to get an appointment, see my GP and get a prescription for something to help me. We're getting together in 2 weeks and she wants to see me relaxed for once. I got off of the phone with her and by the time I found his number, my heart was pounding. By the time I got it dialed and it was ringing, my BP had jumped and I had a bit of a headache coming. And all pointless because it was literally just turning 5 pm as I reached the office and was therefore rerouted to the "After Hours" message. All that stress for nothing.

Dealing with anxiety is tough. You have to fight to manage your anxiety to even get help for your anxiety. At some point you have to decide that the anxiety can't get the better of you and you just have to be strong. But honestly, how do you get to that point? I still freak out over any slight confrontation. Even a simple debate on a Facebook post or a joke that seems to fall flat can set me off. And a serious confrontation can have me in tears due to frustration and nerves.

I've had people recommend biofeedback therapy, acupuncture, medication, and even medical marijuana. But how do you figure out what is best for you? Well you have to talk to a doctor. And getting to the Doctor is a struggle for me and many other people out there. I have to find the inner strength. The part of me that is truly tired of living with this level of anxiety. I am kicking myself for not accepting the medication that my GP offered me years ago because I felt like I should be able to deal with this on my own. In all honesty, I was more afraid of side effects of the drugs than dealing with the anxiety on my own. Which is another sign of extreme anxiety.

Hopefully, I will find a way to face my fears and go see my doctor this week and get the help that I so desperately need. If I can just get past this first step and get the help that I need, I can relax and be happy!

It's time to get tough!

I haven't blogged in a bit, but that is because I'm trying to organize and declutter the house. With it being hurricane season once again, I feel like we really need to get the house in shape quickly. Last year, we had no power for a few days and the added clutter and junk just made tempers flare even faster. I'd love for things to be in order before we have to worry about all of that.

The trouble with trying to declutter my house, is that it's grown to an almost insurmountable task. I am dangerously close to Hoarder level. By that, I don't mean that I have no walking room or I can't even find my bed anymore. I just mean that I come up with very similar excuses as to why I need to keep something around. The sentences "I might need it in the future!" and "I can turn that into something useful!" may have been bandied about in the house. The funny thing is that I checked out two books on decluttering awhile ago from the library and ended up never really reading much in them. I was too distracted by life and a toddler that makes messes incredibly quickly and easily.

So I need to learn to be ruthless and determined when I begin the task. I must stay strong! This time, I will succeed! I will fight to get out from all of the excess crap in this house. I think it would help my stress level, my anxiety, and depression. Hopefully I can share some post clutter pictures soon!

A Great Day Times 2

Yesterday, I was grateful for spending the afternoon building play doh sculptures with Z. We made a stegosaurus, a penguin, peas in a pod, a rose, and lots of shapes! Z had fun making me little tiny twisty shapes! Then we played with pieces of construction paper and gluing them to make a picture. We had a lot of fun!

Today, we had a great time cuddled up and watching Wall-e during a summer storm. I love that she asks to cuddle with me more often. She gave me unsolicited kisses even. I love slow days when we can just relax.

I'm also grateful for tonight's dinner! Baked potato covered in pulled pork with shredded cheddar and barbecue sauce. Yes it's a but shallow, but damn it was delicious!

I'm also eternally grateful for my husband. He is great with the bedtime routine and really great with story time! Z is soaking up as much time with him as she can when he is outside of work.

 in all, I've had a good week so far and quite a bit to be thankful for.

A New Perspective

I was told the other day that I've been too negative lately. I've been very crabby. So I need to work on getting more of a positive perspective. I need to learn to be more grateful for the little things. I need to slow down and enjoy the days as they happen. I saw this idea on "My Cat From Hell" called a "purr-spective" box and I really like the idea of trying to write down what I am grateful for each day. So here we go:

Today, we had some unexpected family visitors and went out to eat. It was wonderful to spend some time with family and to catch up and have a great meal! But out of all of the fun family stuff we did today, I think the best moments were by far the ones spent with Z. She asked to cuddle with me when we got home from dinner. We laid on the couch watching an animated movie for a good 20 minutes (which in toddler time is for-EVER!) And she asked me to draw a happy face for her. I drew one that sort of looked like a "potabo" and she declared it "impressive" and put it in her stack of impressive drawing papers which are to never be drawn on again.

As frustrating as she can be sometimes (she tried to leave my phone at the restaurant under the table after she got bored of Candy Crush,) she is the greatest achievement of my life! I love her so much!

Taking a break for now

Well we made the decision to take a break from potty training today. We will have to revisit it at a later date. She is really resistant to actually going in the potty. So I made the decision to table it for now. What I am going to do, is let the potty sit in the bathroom and let her lead next time. She knows what the potty is for now, so I think that next time, I will let her make the decision to go forward. We'll see how it goes.

It really was a rough day. We had no successes today and a lot of messes. Mommy and toddler both lost their tempers a bit. But in the end, we spent about 30 minutes before bed just cuddling and she told me that she loved me over and over and I reiterated to her that despite a rough day, Mommy loves her very much. So at least the day ended on a high of sorts! She is dawdling with going to bed, but that's to be expected after a day like today.

Tomorrow will be a recuperation day. We have a plan to make cupcakes for this weekend and we're going to cuddle and watch a movie together. Probably her favourite of the moment which is Brave. Possibly her all time favourite Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm hoping that we can heal from today!

Not the best of starts

Well it wasn't best start potty training, but we had a couple of successes. I'm not giving up yet though. Tomorrow is a brand new day! I am hoping that tomorrow will go more smoothly. She loves the candy reward, she loves her underwear and her potty. I think it's just the idea of using the potty that freaks her out. She can't really get comfortable with that yet. But we'll get there in the end!

On the plus side, the Man Pleasing Chicken that we made for dinner was a hit with everyone including the highly picky toddler! We all ate the same food for the first time in a very, very long time! It felt good and the food was delicious! 

Potty Training Time!

**No blog posts for months and suddenly 2 in one day!**

 Tomorrow begins the dreaded potty training. No one that I've talked to has had an easy experience. There are many choices out there as to the methods that you can try. There is a three day method out there that sounds great in theory but seems a bit militant. It starts with throwing away all of the diapers at the beginning. We have a box that is barely opened! I'm not throwing all of the diapers away. There is the method where you let your kid run around naked with a potty standing by waiting. This doesn't sound so bad given that most of our house is stained concrete, but we do have a 5x8 run in the living room which could prove to be troublesome when it comes to cleaning.

To be honest, I think that because each kid is different, you have to play it by ear. So I am going to try to be very relaxed about this. I think we may start out with her in a dress and no diaper or underwear (I'm going to put a comforter over the rug) and leave the potty visible. I'm going to try my best to watch her for bathroom cues, but let's be honest, no one can keep their eyes on their kid every minute. And there will be accidents which I will hopefully handle with calm and grace to prevent any negative pressure. I really want this to be a positive experience for both my daughter and me.

So far, she picked out a potty.

 

Despite the bad reviews, we wanted her to pick the potty and she really loved this one so we will just have to see how it works out. I'm hoping that it turns out better than the reviews.

She picked out some underwear:

 

We have some M&M's for rewards and tomorrow, I plan to make some cake to use as rewards for big successes. Hopefully, I can update tomorrow with positive progress! I have a friend who is forever saying to "Think positive!" I am going to try and maintain a positive attitude about all of this!

Taking a stand!

While I sit here and eat my second meal of the day to be procured through a drive thru window, I've come to a decision! Tomorrow, I am taking a stand! I have never been a good cook. I don't have the patience or skills and I am very easily distracted by just about anything. My husband has always been the cook in the family. He loves to cook and he loves to experiment with food. His current job keeps him away a lot and even when he is home, he works late. And over the course of the last year or so while my daughter has been on solid foods, I have inadvertently cultivated a picky food monster! She flatly refuses to eat anything meat unless it's chicken tenders, fish sticks, hot dogs and occasionally lunch meat. She will eat vegetables a lot of the time, but lately she's been not the best about eating them either.

Tomorrow, I am stopping the diner like atmosphere in the house. I'm only making one meal and it's take it or leave it. My daughter is almost 2 and it's time that she learn to eat what is put in front of her or not eat. I know that this will not be an easy transition. It's completely demoralizing to work on a meal only to have it rejected and dumped on the floor. But in the long run, I hope it will get her back to her previous non picky self.

Now I just need to find recipes that are simple enough for me to cook them, healthy, and that are toddler friendly. We'll see how that goes!