30 Days of Thanks...

I've been very neglectful of this blog lately. Hopefully this will help get me back on schedule! It's a few days late so I'll post several today. Day 1: I am thankful for my beautiful daughter! She is very trying at times, but she is practically my whole world. I don't think that I truly understood unconditional love until I gave birth to her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, she captured my heart! We definitely have our difficult days, but we definitely have some really awesome days too! I can't imagine my life without her! Day 2: I am thankful for the chance to meet and hold my beautiful new niece. She is absolutely precious! Day 3: I am thankful for the chance to be a stay at home mom! We may have our rough days, but I love spending time watching Z grow up! I see her learn new things every day! She is a marvel! Day 4: I am thankful for Daylight Savings Time! We got up at a reasonable hour, and Z went to bed around 8pm! My husband and I got to relax and watch a movie without having to pause to wait for Z to shop shrieking and it was at a reasonable volume level for once! I'll add today's thanks later. I like to wait until the end of the day!

Turkey pumpkin chili!

I've been pretty obsessed with all things pumpkin lately. So when I saw a recipe for turkey pumpkin chili, I was excited at the prospect but also trepidatious. It seems like a pretty odd combo. The original recipe that we went for was didn't call for beans so it was rejected. "Glorified soup!" my husband declared! So we found this one on SkinnyTaste.com instead! And bonus, it's pretty healthy! We tweaked it a bit because we didn't want it super spicy for the lil monkey! We left out the green chile and used half a red bell pepper and half a yellow bell pepper instead. We also added a bit of garlic and onion powder and my husband was heavy handed with the oregano because he used the wrong side of the shaker lol. Oh and we only had one pound of turkey so it was a bit light on the meat. We served it with some shredded cheddar and a dollop of sour cream and it was delicious! Now, the lil monkey didn't like it*, but her daddy and I loved it! I think it's the best chili that we've ever made! It's definitely in the rotation for fall (possibly year round!) I'd say that it was a huge success! * = The lil monkey ate more than half of it before she turned her nose up at it so she did pretty well with it.

Anxiety problems...

So I made the disappointing decision to delay our original plan to start trying for baby number 2 in December. I have a lot of problems with anxiety and I feel like I need to get to a point where I can better handle the stress and anxiety before I add a possible pregnancy to the mix. I know that it is a responsible decision, but I am pretty sad about it. I was so excited to toss out the birth control and give my daughter a sibling. For now, I'll just focus on the child I have and managing my stress. I can hopefully start talking to someone about all my anxieties and perhaps blog a little more and see if I can work on my mental health! I know that a lot of it stems from a fear of death and a fear of leaving my daughter without a mom. My mom died at 47 of cancer. I think it's colored everything that I do now. I am worried about eating healthy. I know that I should exercise more. And every twinge that I feel, becomes exaggerated in my head. I end up consulting Dr. Google far too often. And I'm worried that I will pass on my anxiety to my my lil monkey! She is like a parrot and she copies her daddy and I all the time! My anxiety levels have been so bad lately, that I have palpitations more often and I end up getting barely any sleep because if I think about anything "heavy" before bed, I end up with insomnia until I eventually pass out! I don't have any religion or faith anymore and I don't believe in any sort of after life. When I was a kid, I did have faith. When I really understood that one day, this life will end and I won't exist anymore, I had a belief system. I still believed in heaven. As I got older, I lost that and now, the thought of dying is so terrifying that it can keep me up at night and is a large part why I have to fall asleep to the tv or a movie so I can keep my brain occupied with something else. I think I definitely need to talk to a counselor and learn to manage my fears and stop letting them dominate most days!

"I'm not a failure!"

I read this blog entry that was posted the other day on the mommy's board I frequent and it really spoke to me. This is one of the most helpful blog posts that I've ever read! I have been suffering from panic attacks of sorts more than usual lately. I find it hard to get through the day sometimes. My daughter can be a stinker! My dishes are never done, my house is always a wreck and the laundry will never, ever be fully caught up. But if you judge according to what you see on Facebook, some blogs, and Pinterest, it feels like unbearable pressure to be perfect all the time. Reading this blog post is very uplifting. I felt a lot of stress melt away this week. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself before I crack! This house will probably never be as clean as my parents house or some of my friends, but that's ok. Because Zoe is happy and that is all that matters! She and I read stories, listen to music, she dances, we play with mega bloks, she sings, and she is learning new words everyday! Our life isn't perfect, but it's ours and I love it!

"About me" post

Last April, I became a mother to a beautiful baby girl. Every day with her is an adventure. We've had our ups and downs and I think the reason I wanted to blog is to keep a record of my experiences as a mom. I have a 17 month old daughter, Zoe (so named for the bad ass second in command Zoe Washburne from Firefly!) She can stress me out in a flash and completely tear apart a room in less than five minutes. She spends her day doing all the things that she knows that she shouldn't do... like play in the cat food, or dump cat food into the cat water dish or vice versa. She revels in making a mess and will only help clean up long enough to set up another mess. Although, strangely enough, she will help the local librarian with clean up after the craft part of Story Time. Even meticulously picking up the tiniest specks of paper slivers left from cutting out the craft of the day! She definitely keeps me on my toes. And exhausted. Everyday, she proves to me that I am definitely getting older! I can no longer survive on 4 hours of sleep every night. I need coffee to make it through the day and I also like to take naps now... though I often feel too guilty about the state of the house to actually nap. I have almost no down time to relax given her strange hours. Each day is a lesson in priorities. Nap... or dishes? Eventually I hope I can figure out how to balance both the house chores, sleeping and having a toddler! (Also, please bear with me, because most of these posts will be written in a haze of toddler induced exhaustion!)